I am certain that I am not the first person to use that reference in regards to David Cook on American Idol, but it's just so perfect, so I'm saying it anyway. He had me at "Hello".
Prior to that I was undecided. I rather liked Jason Castro, and I thought Brooke White was a breath of fresh air, and I did like David Cook, especially after he proclaimed himself a 'Word Nerd", since I do the crossword every morning, but I wasn't yet thinking cougar-thoughts, if you know what I'm saying. (wink wink nudge nudge knowwhatimean)
But then he came out and sang "Hello" and suddenly my ovaries were all paisley and painted on the front of my dress and I was an unabashed and unwavering Cook fan.
I've downloaded all his studio-length songs and they comprise the soundtrack of my workday. Yesterday I mixed him into an Elliott playlist, but that was too much contrast, so today he's mixed in with DAUGHTRY. Nice!
Speaking of Elliott, he has not been replaced. A cougar can have two cubs, yo! He looked a bit rough on Idol last week, but he'd just lost his mom, so I give him a pass. He sounded good. Great, even!
And in regards to my new cub David, it's kind of nice to root for the person that everyone else is rooting for, too. I lost years off my life during Season 5, fretting about my Elliott and how he would fare against JC Super-bald, but this year my David seems destined for the final two, if not the crown, (upsized for his melon). How very refreshing!
I was a little shocked that Carly got booted last night. I thought she took it well, though. I was convinced that America would not forgive Brooke for the restart. Heck, when it happened I jumped up off the couch, threw my hands over my eyes, paced around and said "No! No! No!" I could only sit down again after she'd restarted and seemed to know the words. "I can't take it!" I muttered to John. "Imagine if you were HER!" he replied, all grounded and "the world doesn't revolve around your irrelevant sympathetic embarrassment"-ish.
Which is a nice lead-in to the real topic of my post today: FWDGMR. (Friends Who Don't Get My References)
As in Bonnie and Sandy. Two dear friends who do not own DVR's, or TiVo. (gasp) Two friends who watch very little TV, and all of it live. (GASP!)
THEY WATCH LIVE TV . . . LIKE ANIMALS!
And that's a reference from "The New Adventures of Old Christine", which Sandy and Bonnie would not know, just as they did not know any of my other pop culture references during our 5-day trip to the Mesa convention last week.
Why, even in the first half of this post I had references to Jerry Maguire, How I Met Your Mother, Monty Python and AI Seasons 7 and 5. If I didn't have TV . . . how could I be funny? And if you don't watch TV . .. how can you think I'm funny?
I tried to convince them that their lives were incomplete without DVR's. I started with Bonnie:
BONNIE: Do you think we'll finish setting up the booth in time to watch Survivor?
ME: Unlikely, but notice how calm I am. That's because right now, back in Colorado, my trusty DVR is set to record Survivor, just like it recorded American Idol last night so I didn't have to lose sleep fretting about missing Elliott or David Cook singing to me.
BONNIE: I'm really just not that into TV.
ME: Blasphemy! My ears! My ears!
I used my persuasive skills on Sandy next:
ME: Sandy, do you remember life before you got that fancy GPS? Remember "Mapquest"?!
SANDY: (shuddering) Oh yes. That was AWFUL!
ME: Well in terms of TV-viewing, you're navigating with paper print-outs, babe! A DVR will change your life, rendering you never pop-culturally-ignorant, just like your GPS has made you never lost. You will have water-cooler topics, you will never watch commercials, and you will GET MY REFERENCES!!!
SANDY: But that would mean I'd have to get, you know, cable!
On our flight to Phoenix last Wednesday we were not seated together. My Premier Executive status (oh stop clapping - I know I'm Ashton Kutcher) (He's awesome!) would only allow me to pull one other person to the front seats, and Sandy won the coin toss. Bonnie was stuck in a middle seat mid-way back.
BONNIE: Oh my gosh! I'm so glad that flight is over! The lady next to me kept nodding off and her head kept bobbing over and landing on my shoulder! I didn't know what to do!
ME: Oh how very "Elaine"! And meanwhile Jerry and the supermodel were sipping champagne in the front. Can I be the supermodel, Sandy?
BONNIE and SANDY: (blank stares)
ME: You know . . . from Seinfeld . . . when Jerry sits in first class and . . . oh never mind.
I didn't even bother singing when we passed the "Duty-Free Shop".
On the flight home we DID get to sit together - in Row #1, actually. When the flight attendant came on and said "Your flight today is under the command of Steve Smith" I leaned over to Bonnie and said "Oh he's good!" which prompted her to say, incredulously, "You fly enough to know the pilots' names?!!"
Do you see what I'm up against here? Do you?
I was wearing a pair of cargo capri pants one day, and they have pockets on the legs. Bonnie commented that I had room to store scrapbook supplies in my pants, which was actually very snarky (Well played, Bonnie!), but of course when I answered "No, that's where I keep my tots!" she didn't laugh.
If a reference falls in a TV-less wood, and nobody's there to understand it . . . is it still funny?
But here's the worst one. The kicker, if you will. On Sunday we had a few hours to kill before our flight home, so we went to a nice lunch and then hit the mall. Bonnie was looking for souvenirs for her boys and was interested in a Webkinz for her youngest. I was explaining how they worked, warning her that it could become an obsession (Emma has 13 Webkinz, yo!), and showed her the Tiger Snake, which I got for Karl on my last trip. It's super cute - all fuzzy and long, and you can wrap it around your neck quite nicely. She was sold, and promptly bought the Tiger Snake for Tyler.
In the rental car on the way to the airport, Bonnie was playing with the snake, and then got distracted by the scenery and the snake dropped to the floor. She was looking around for it, but couldn't see it.
BONNIE: Where'd that Webkinz go?
ME: (glancing over) It's right there between your feet. Can't you see it?
BONNIE: (groping around near her feet) I'm not finding it. Oh! There it is.
ME: Geez. If it was a snake it would have bit you! BOO-YA! (holding up my hand for the required high five)
BONNIE: (cheerily looking at the window, petting the snake, and NOT high-fiving me)
ME: Ahem? Perhaps you didn't HEAR me? I said 'If it was a snake it would have bit you'! Do you realize how perfect that is?
BONNIE: Oh yeah. Remind me to laugh at that later.
ME: Dude! This is a "jerk store" moment. That was the PERFECT thing to say and I thought of it right then, not later. Not late at night, waiting to fall asleep, lamenting that I didn't think to say that very perfect thing at that very perfect time. I didn't have to re-create the moment. I didn't have to throw that snake on the floor. I didn't have to shovel shrimp in my mouth. Dash it all, you're not properly impressed!
SANDY: What's wrong with shrimp?
Actually Sandy didn't say that. I don't remember what was said, but it wasn't hysterical laughter, that's for sure. And that's just wrong, yo!
I'm going to keep chipping away at their wholesome TV-less, hobby and family-friendly lifestyles. Oh yes, I will. Heh, heh, heh! (She laughs manaically, like a scary woman who wants to make a fur coat out of their puppies)
I think that was really the perfect final reference for this post, because both Sandy and Bonnie have new puppies, and it is very unlikely that they saw "The Big Bang Theory" this week, although I do have a bit of faith that they have, at some point, seen "101 Dalmations". In any case, this illustrates the necessity of them getting DVR's, pronto, because without context for that "fur coat" comment they might be unnecessarily wary about leaving me alone with their dogs.
And I love puppies! Heh heh heh.
RKQOTD (Me: Emma, please explain to me why you were fighting with your brother. Emma: Well HE was- Karl: What happened was- Me: No, Karl. I'm asking Emma. Go ahead, Emma. Emma: It started when- Karl: SHE was trying- Me: Karl, I asked you to let your sister speak. Karl: But, but, I'm just trying to be INVOLVED here!)